Perhaps All V’Ball Articles Rhyme

By Matt Sussman | Aug 26, 2008 | Filed Under Media

Or maybe it just happens after time. [polite applause from coffee house patrons]

It felt like a good time to play Count The Onesies, because there’s little else to do. I was going to throw a Bill Plaschke masterpiece your way, but the damn thing’s three pages and we need some fresh blood.

Jeff Miller, step right up. You were still in Beijing Sunday, which in America Standard Time was next November. You were all ready for some volleyball finals, and being the Orange County Register’s sports columnist, it was time to laud your region for producing great volleyballists who dominated the globe — all while not really being a mainstream sport here in the States.

You also appeared quite exhausted, and managed to onesie your way to deadline. The proof was this line:

So we beat them inside and outside, on the land and on the sand, using our reach at the beach. We beat them to the point where some reporters lost their minds and began writing like Dr. Seuss

Heh. It seems as if you were dead tired, looked at what you began to write, thought “Jesus. Is that really on the screen?” then ran with it because you just wanted to come back home to a town with considerably less smog and bicycles.

But a column is a column is a column, and it appears your ones outweighed your non-ones. The tale of the tape, please, Vanessa:

1 1 1 1 2 1 1 3 2 1 1 1 1 2 1 1 2 1 1 2 2 2 2 2 3 1 1 2 2 1 1 2 1 1 2

Hmm. Looks close. Let’s look at the breakdown:

Total paragraphs: 35
Total onesies: 20
Longest onesie: 45 words
Sentences/graph: 1.85
Consecutive onesies: 4 (twice)
Leadoff onesies: 4

Ouch. It started off promising, but in the end … quite tolerable. Commendable, even. It’s almost as if, Jeff Miller, you occasionally connected your thoughts together and never quite let the carriage return own you for long periods of time.

I continue to be in search of the elusive All Onesie article, which right now doesn’t have a better name, but will probably have the nickname of whatever sports columnist writes it.

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