The Futon Report

Why did I turn that off? Because it was freaking 30-6, that’s why. Central Michigan had a comfy 24-point lead on the road against a substandard NIU team, so I guess I’ll just see what else is on the … zzzz

[Sussman falls asleep on couch, dreams of riding in a spaceship made of pancakes]

… mmmf …. mmwwa? Let’s see how bad that game turned out [takes sip of morning Pepsi, checks score]

It went to overtime!? Oh, NIU still lost 33-30. But still.

Apparently NIU had to recover two onside kicks to make the comeback happen, and your Special Teams Player of the Week might as well be Mike Sobol, because he recovered both of them.

So CMU stays perfect in the conference, setting up a rather bucknutty showdown at Pleasant Mountain next Wednesday when Ball State shows up.

(Photo Credit: Beck Diefenbach, DeKalb Daily Chronicle. Not the spit-take one. Nickelodeon seems to have filmed that.)

Image by schoschie via FlickrBGSU doesn’t play this week, but if they beat Buffalo and Akron loses somewhere down the line, the Falcons can still win the MAC East. With three conference losses.

Also, mathematically 3-6 Temple can win the division as well, but that’s more funny than it is probable.

See, scenarios like this are why hope springs eternal in dirty puddles. BGSU has shown — of all things — the inability to score even when their defense plays halfway well. Look at four of their losses:

Boise State 20, BGSU 7
EMU 24, BGSU 21
Miami 27, BGSU 20
NIU 16, BGSU 13

This year they are 3-4 when the other team scores under 28 points. Last year that mark was 5-0. I didn’t expect the defense to improve this much, but they’re about 4th or 5th in the conference (out of 13) in many defensive categories. With Sheehan/Turner/Barnes/Partridge, this should’ve resulted to a three-, two- or maybe one-loss season thus far. They’re 5-5.

And even though they’re remarkably disappointing, they’re still in it. This reminds me of 2006, when they broke Temple’s magnificent losing streak, and yet still they were alive in November for a shot at winning the division. Oh, they certainly didn’t. But the same scenario is playing out now.

There are two more games for these guys. Just win ‘em both, put the record at 7-5 and finish strong with a quiet three-game win streak to end the season. That’s all I ask.

While I don’t really have a great excuse for the lack of MACSploitation updates, I will say the conference is not out of my minds (although, seriously, does EVERY team in the East have two conference losses already?). The proof is in this week’s TFP version of the Futon Report, denouncing Tuesday night football.

Four games. That’s all the conference gets this week. Eight of the 13 teams will squat on their barcalounger this Saturday. Five teams aren’t playing this week, because two are on bye weeks, but three either played in last Tuesday’s game or next Tuesday’s game.

The BG-Northern Illinois game is kinda-sorta on TV. Lord, I’m afraid of that one.

Just to see if I have this straight:

◼ Points vs. Eastern Michigan at home in four quarters: 21.
◼ Points vs. Akron in the final quarter: 23.

Oh, and EMU lost to Army, who lost to Temple by 28, who lost to Central Michigan by 10, who lost Dan LeFevour to injury at halftime.

And somewhere NIU beats Miami, WMU trips up Buffalo in overtime, nobody noticed Ohio-Kent State, and I haven’t even mentioned ranked Ball State’s win over Western Kentucky.

Hell, that’s a pretty solid MACSploitation recap if you needed one. Consider my work finished for the weekend. Now to go and rattle off 32 straight live blogs.

I wonder what it’s like to play your main rival when it’s not the final game of the year. Sure, Toledo and Bowling Green weren’t always the last game, so it shouldn’t be too hard to fathom, but it’s still an odd feeling. When a team doesn’t mind going 1-11 as long as that one win is against the most loathed team, the wind really has to be taken out of a team’s sails if a 5-0 start is tarnished by a rival loss. Sadly, this must be how Kent State feels every year.

12 noon — Akron (2-3, 0-1) at Kent State (1-4,10-1) ◼ ESPN Game Plan
Seriously, why don’t they just buy a second wagon wheel so they can both have one?

2 p.m. — Ohio (1-4, 0-1) at WMU (4-1, 2-0) ◼ Seriously?
I keep forgetting Western Michigan is good. Maybe it’s better that way.

3:30 p.m. — Temple (1-4, 0-2) at Miami (1-3) ◼ ONN
Temple has upgraded from losing big to losing barely.

4 p.m. — EMU (1-4, 0-2) at BG (2-2) ◼ Wood County Camcorders
You know that intramural football team that felt really good about their chances at the beginning of the season, but then started playing games and got crushed, and in the middle of the season just wanted to quit? Well, I don’t know why I just thought of that as I looked at Eastern Michigan’s changes, but I did.

7 p.m. — Ball State (5-0, 2-0) at Toledo (1-3, 1-0) ◼ …or NOT
So Toledo kicks the bucket against FIU, and Ball State’s riding high. Of course UT pulls this off somehow. It’s goddamn conference play. That’s just how it goes.

7 p.m. — Northern Illinois (2-2) at Tennessee (1-3) ◼ Even Tennessee doesn’t care
What looked like a complete laugher three weeks ago has turned into a simple harmless blowout.

Image by hail2thesuss via FlickrThe G…. Game of the Week? Between two 2-2 teams, an undefeated team trudging along after the horrific Dante Love collision, and WMU trying to improve to 4-1 against Temple, the televised/featured MAC Game of the Week is freaking Eastern Michigan and Northern Illinois? Sure, I know they probably determine these things before they suit up their laces, but how can even in July people in suits look at this game and say, “Yep, EMU and NIU will be the game to watch.” Just because a game ends 6-3 doesn’t mean it will be an exciting showdown between two evenly-matched teams. Gah.

12 noon — NIU (1-2, 0-1) at EMU (1-3, 0-1) ◼ ESPN Game Plan
To echo Norm McDonald, “Happy Birthday, Jesus! Hope you like crap!”

12 noon — Kent St. (1-3) at Ball St. (4-0) ◼ ESPN Game Plan
I still think the Cardinals have a real chance to go undefeated, even without the services of Dante Love. Perhaps they have even more incentive to run the table with their senior on the sidelines cheering them on.

2:00 p.m. — VMI (2-1) at Ohio (0-4) ◼ The hills (because, see, they have eyes)
Boo? Boo Jackson? Dark One? Beelzebub? Chief? McCloud!

2:00 p.m. — WMU (3-1, 1-0) at Temple (1-3, 0-1) ◼ Hell, the NSA has everything monitored, ask them for a copy
Could this be the first ever win for Temple over the Broncos? For the first time, consider it a solid “maybe.”

3:30 p.m. — Cincinnati (2-1) at Akron (2-2) ◼ FSN Ohio
Not a fair fight in football. Yet somehow a fair fight in baseball.

4:00 p.m. — Buffalo (2-2, 1-0) at CMU (2-2, 1-0) ◼ Alternate Dimension ESPN Game Plan
Suddenly CMU doesn’t look like the prohibitive favorite anymore, says Mark Torosian of the Bleacher Report. And out of nowhere … Buffalo kind of does. Ladies and gentlepeople, your Official Non-Official MAC Game of the Week.

4:00 p.m. — BG (1-2) at Wyoming (2-2) ◼ The Mountain
First Boise, Idaho. Now Laramie, Wyoming. If this is BG’s clever way of trying to become a West coast mid-major team, I’m not impressed.

7:00 p.m. — Florida Int’l (0-3) at Toledo (1-2) ◼ BCSN
Glass Bowl, meet Ned. Ned, Glass Bowl.

Fifteen minutes of your life will be wasted well spent on this. From the Buffalo-Temple game to Ball State’s potential undefeated run to people picking Western Michigan basketball over LSU football.

And I think I got the sound levels a little better controlled. But not much.

When the selling point on the press release is “two of our games are televised!” it better mean that (a) there are only three games this weekend, or (b) the majority of cable channels are having a blackout this weekend because they forgot to pay their bills. Alas, six games go untelevised, which means it’s up to me to decide which off-brand local station will pick up the games. Because everyone needs their MAC football. Ev. Ry. 1.

12 noon — Temple (1-1) at Buffalo (1-1) ◼ ESPN+

They were once jokes. Now they’re less funny jokes. Winner is my sleeper pick to win the MAC East until further notified by way of bad loss.

12 noon — Toledo (0-1) at Eastern Michigan (1-1) ◼ the eyes of about 5,000 Ypsilantians

Get this. EMU’s favored in this game. By two points. Absolutely will this game not be won by the second best team in Washtenaw County. (Read: Pioneer High School)

1:00 p.m — Ball State (2-0) at Akron (1-1) ◼ Who’s want to watch it anyway?

KEEP THEM ALIVE! ONLY MAC TEAM THAT CAN GO UNDEFEATED! GO CARDINALS! Until of course their inevitable bed-shitting against NIU.

2:00 p.m. — Central Michigan (1-1) at Ohio (0-2) ◼ Someone might take pictures

Well, Ohio lost to OSU by 12, while CMU lost to Georgia by 39. Most people believe Georgia would beat Ohio State by 58. Translation: CMU-Ohio will end in a tie.

2:00 p.m. — Delaware State (1-0) at Kent State (0-2) ◼ If CMU and Ball State aren’t on, what are these guys’ chances?

You’d like to think this will be a I-AA upset, but note this: D-State coach Al Lavan coached at EMU. On an interim basis. So just chew on that for awhile.

3:00 p.m. — Charleston Southern (0-2) at Miami (0-2) ◼ Oxford, Ohio public access (tape delay)

Expect big things from the RedHawks offense, who will easily run past defenders doing a dance from the 1920s.

4:00 p.m. — Western Michigan (1-1) at Idaho (1-1) ◼ Your Napoleon Dynamite reference here

When the Vandals meet the Broncos … hug your Visigoth children in case you never see them again.

8:00 p.m. — Bowling Green (1-1) at Boise State (1-0) ◼ ESPN+

So, a couple things. For one, I don’t want to talk about last week. They cheated. (Hopefully.) Secondly, the BG defense, beyond the collective ability to usher the offense through the secondary, has some mighty fine playmakers. For example, Diyral Briggs leads the nation in sacks with five. Tied for second: every other man in the world, with one.

Idle hands: Northern Illinois

And just in time, too! So far, one game and no disappointments. Let’s just call it a week, shall we?

FRIDAY

Ball State 35, Navy 23

In their defense, our naval victories have been few and far between in the entire state of Indiana.

SATURDAY

12 noon — Miami at Michigan ◼ ESPN2

By this game Rich Rodriguez should be able to spell all his quarterback’s names.

12 noon — Ohio at #2 Ohio State ◼ ESPN
Just another game for another OSU running back to get injured in. Just kick field goals every down.

12 noon — Connecticut at Temple ◼ ESPNU
It’s not a basketball matchup, so you’re not interested.

3:30 p.m. — Eastern Michigan at Michigan State ◼ Big Ten Network

Winner gets to say this shirt is about them:

3:30 p.m. — Central Michigan at #1 Georgia ◼ FSN South
Wait’ll the SEC gets a load of a white quarterback who runs and throws for a lot of touchdowns!

3:30 p.m. — Akron at Syracuse ◼ FSN Ohio
Orange Zip sounds like a fake soda from the ’80s. Which it is. It’s fake. Because I made it up.

6 p.m. — Buffalo at Pittsburgh ◼ ESPN+

The Pittsburgh Panthers do NOT want to get in an 0-2 hole in the MAC East. ◼

7 p.m. — Northern Illinois at Western Michigan ◼ Any camcorders the players’ parents bring
Whoa whoa whoa, why the rush for conference games so early?

7 p.m. — Kent State at Iowa State ◼ Iowa actually doesn’t have TV
The Golden Cyclone was a conceptual amusement park ride back in the ’90s that was to replace the old Orange Zip Slushee stand that nobody frequented.

7:30 p.m. — Minnesota at Bowling Green ◼ ESPNU
In no way will I get my hopes up for this KICK THE GOPHER AZZ 2-0 BCS CRASH PARTY!!!!1!1@1

10 p.m. — Toledo at Arizona ◼ Tucson Public Access Regional Southeast, weather permitting
They had a bye last week, and this one’s their first. I’m not going to make the “it must takes two weeks to transport Tom Amstutz across the continent” joke, for I am above it.

After having difficulty scheduling the first radio show, naturally it’s only in the best interest to start a second show on top of that. And whip up a crudely ‘Shopped logo

Presenting, the 15-minute podcast version of everyone’s favorite Mid-American Conference wrap-up feature, MACSploitation Radio, now in its third year. The inaugural show is tonight (Monday) at 11 p.m., although if you don’t have a hankerin’ to listen that late, just catch it the next day. Also, for the latest show, check the bottom of this blog for the latest version.

If you want to call in and blab about one of the MAC teams, the number’s different than Treehouse Fort: (347) 677-1457. Obviously, it’s gonna be just about football and basketball. We’ll have some guests lined up. And it’ll probably be the answer to the wrap-up post I normally have on the Futon Report. The preview post, however, will never go away.

EVER.

No, I mean it. Even after the blogosphere is obliterated by the zombie army led by Bill Moyers, I will write up MACSploitation on a piece of notebook paper, magnet it to the fridge, and charge two bits for anyone who wants to view it.