The Futon Report

Dear Tech Support,

The last six times I’ve logged onto your website to check baseball box scores, it erroneously indicates that the Detroit Tigers have lost a baseball game. This is an impossibility, given that they have the second highest payroll in baseball, including players like Miguel Cabrera, Justin Verlander, Magglio Ordoñez, Dontrelle Willis, and Gary Sheffield. They played the Kansas City Royals and the Chicago White Sox, two of the lesser teams in baseball, at home. Therefore, there is no possible way, even perchance, that the Detroit Tigers are 0-6. Read more

Well now, let’s see what’s in the news today:

Good for him! I always knew Jimmy Leyland knew a solid pitcher when he saw him, even if Tim Byrdak has an ERA of 13.50 in spring training. I’m sure he’ll do just…

…Well, that’s a little awkward. But hey! Miguel Cabrera’s contract, or something!

On one hand, you have to feel slightly sorry for Brandon Inge. On the other hand, no matter what he does he’ll make $6 million this year (Exception: if he’s caught in a hotel room with hookers-and-blow) and it’s difficult to empathize with that kind of scrilla influx.

The Tigers now-backup third basemen still wants to play baseball and doesn’t want to ride the pine behind new third baseman Miguel Cabrera, a trade I must say is still the most brilliant move, Santana To The Mets included. I don’t blame him — he’s a baseball player, and he would love nothing else than to man the keystone 150 games a year for some team. But still. Read more