The Futon Report

And they’re both documented in the headline:

Tigers sign Freddy Garcia; Willis headed to Triple-A

One I can handle. The other … sure. But both? In the same headline, no less?

1. So the Tigers have added potential depth to their rotation by adding Fredward Garcia. It can’t hurt. At this rate, they’ll have reunited the 2001 Seattle Mariners baseball team by the 2017.

2. So the Mud Hens have decided to put all their fans sitting behind the backstop in grave danger.

Then again, why really fret about this? They’re eight games back with seven weeks to go, so the chances of leapfrogging Minnesota or Chicago seem bleak, let alone both. Plus, the Diamondbacks just got Adam Dunn. It might be time to go into full NL Fallback Mode. I’m caressing the shiny red button as we speak.

Because they never, ever close. (Puns! Love ‘em.)

When Todd Jones closed out games, Tigers fans would get ulcers, cramps, and chest pains. When Fernando Rodney closes out games, the other team experiences said chest pains. On Sunday, after Kyle Farnsworth, savior to the bullpen, gave up two home runs to extend the game, “closer” Fernando Rodney eventually came on in the 10th inning to save a 5-4 game.

Fernando Rodney injured two consecutive Rays batters. Jason Bartlett jammed his finger on an attempted bunt, then pinch hitter Shawn Riggans got hit in the chest with a baseball. In the chest. The chest. Hit in the chest. How does a pitcher hit someone square in the chest? Read more

Pardon me, O Baseball Gods, as I channel the spirit of our beloved Gregg Olson. That’s right, Gregg M.F. Olson.

That’s the first person I thought of, for some cosmic reason, when I heard midway through Sunday’s game that the Tigers closer was no longer Todd Jones. In a very quiet move, Fernando Rodney would assume the position “for the time being.” When the only sure things were death, taxes, and Todd Jones closing games, the torch has finally been passed, but not before the flames destroyed the fans’ wicker-strong confidence in him.

And then I thought, God dammit, this has been Gregg Olson all over again. Read more

So get this. In the 15th inning, the Seattle Mariners ran out of pitchers, so they put backup catcher Jamie Burke to pitch.

Jamie Burke. Backup catcher. Pitching … extra innings … phastballs … can’t … sides, hurting …

(Yes, he did give up a run, and the Tigers won 2-1.)

I knew he still was one of the Tigers, even though he’s technically one of the Rockies.

Our good buddy Jason Grilli lashed out in USA’s USA Today today on the dymanic of the new Detroit clubhouse. Responding back quickly was the Rt. Hon. James Q. “Jim” Leyland to the media:

You have to be kidding me. I mean, please. Jason Grilli ought to just worry about Colorado. Jason Grilli’s not here any longer because Jason Grilli didn’t pitch good under pressure situations and didn’t pitch very well in Detroit. You want to tell it like it is? When players want to start talking, I’ll start talking. But I’m very reserved about stuff like that. Jason Grilli ought to worry about Colorado, not Detroit.

(You really have to listen to the entire 4-minute bleepfest. Seriously, at points those [expletive redacted]s are ever so soothing rhythmic, perhaps Zulu-inspired.) Read more

The Dee Eff Pee published a “Best of Jason Grilli” photo gallery yesterday, which frankly was touching. I didn’t expect a metro newspaper to dedicate something like that after the exile of a long relief pitcher. Then again the man had local roots.

But if the champagne goggles is his Stairway To Heaven, here’s his Black Dog:

And that’s it. No more Grilli thoughts. From here on out it’s Francisco Cruceta. With soy. No foam. ◼ DFP

Sad, bittersweet news out of the baseball camps today. My favoritest ever Detroit Tiger (only because of this) was traded to the Colorado Rockies today.

So that’s it. He’s gone. The jokes. The laughs. Fin. I really don’t know where to go from here. Read more

I broke down this series over at The Big Tilde, but this bears repeating: The Rangers scored 10 runs; the Tigers hit 10 home runs. The bullpen pitched 13 innings and had more wins (2) than earned runs (1).

Yes, it’s the Texas Rangers, so it was glorified batting practice. But that’s a hell of a lot of runs. And that team is known for at least some decent offense, and the Cirque De Blown Games pretty much became a unified shutdown pitcher. Read more

It’s easy to notice significant roster changes in the the Tigers lineup amidst a 10-2 walloping of the Texas Rangers. Verlander’s pitching again! Renteria’s on fire! And … Carlos Guillen and Miguel Cabrera are permanently switching positions!

Leyland had little to say about the switch. He didn’t give a timetable for a minimum of how long it might last. But he spoke about it with an air of permanence.

Sort of an … odd fix to the whole situation. Cabrera’s playing bad defense at third, so move him to first, and put Guillen at third, who was moved to first because … he was bad at defense at shortstop. This will work wonders! Let’s see … Nate Robertson is having trouble pitching. Let’s put him in the outfield, where he’ll pitch less, and replace him with … Brandon Inge. ◼ DFP

And there it is. Dontrelle Willis is now functionally disabled, according to the list he was just put on. This means that Brandon Inge will likely move to the rotation, or failing that, Armando Galarraga.

We’re still not sure what happened to Willis in Friday’s game (or how the shit Aquilino Lopez and Jason Grilli combined for seven innings of one-run relief), but I suspect his carefully-aligned crooked cap took a straightening for the worse, throwing out his entire balance. Either way, his hyperextended knee will put him out for a while.◼ DTW → DFP

Faux Tow: Charles Cherney/Chicago Tribune/MCT