The Futon Report

As Coach Brandon has noted, I’m not a true BGSU football fan due to the lack of MACSploitation updates this fall. Also I didn’t attend a 6 p.m. Friday football game, which actually makes me a secret Muslim and probably gay detriment to society. Nevertheless, I’m asking for some redemption from the True Falcons by dragging my climate controlled ass into the Glass Bowl and watching the UT-BG game, an event I haven’t attended in, I think, four years.

(Christ, four years? I really am a fraud.)

The game will be at 3:30 on ESPN Classic, the channel who proclaimed Mickey Mantle was a shittier athlete than Secretariat. Although the Rockets are 3-8 and have a tendency to elicit crying from baby Moses, one has to believe they have a better shot at winning the game, since it’s Tom Amstutz Day and all. Plus BGSU hasn’t won in the Glass Bowl since 1994, and the 5-6 Falcons’ only metaphysical reason for winning is so they don’t have a losing record. And also, y’know, rivalry game and everything.

And like every year, I’m just hoping for either a good game or a BGSU blowout. Prediction: it’ll be butt-to-bench-stickingly cold.

This week on “Blogger Is A Newspaper Writer,” a stalwart Toledoan thinks the city should be annexed back into Michigan if the Wolverines beat Ohio State. Will he make jokes? Will nobody but himself laugh? Will he find out the father of his child? Tune in next time!

Why did I turn that off? Because it was freaking 30-6, that’s why. Central Michigan had a comfy 24-point lead on the road against a substandard NIU team, so I guess I’ll just see what else is on the … zzzz

[Sussman falls asleep on couch, dreams of riding in a spaceship made of pancakes]

… mmmf …. mmwwa? Let’s see how bad that game turned out [takes sip of morning Pepsi, checks score]

It went to overtime!? Oh, NIU still lost 33-30. But still.

Apparently NIU had to recover two onside kicks to make the comeback happen, and your Special Teams Player of the Week might as well be Mike Sobol, because he recovered both of them.

So CMU stays perfect in the conference, setting up a rather bucknutty showdown at Pleasant Mountain next Wednesday when Ball State shows up.

(Photo Credit: Beck Diefenbach, DeKalb Daily Chronicle. Not the spit-take one. Nickelodeon seems to have filmed that.)

Image by schoschie via FlickrBGSU doesn’t play this week, but if they beat Buffalo and Akron loses somewhere down the line, the Falcons can still win the MAC East. With three conference losses.

Also, mathematically 3-6 Temple can win the division as well, but that’s more funny than it is probable.

See, scenarios like this are why hope springs eternal in dirty puddles. BGSU has shown — of all things — the inability to score even when their defense plays halfway well. Look at four of their losses:

Boise State 20, BGSU 7
EMU 24, BGSU 21
Miami 27, BGSU 20
NIU 16, BGSU 13

This year they are 3-4 when the other team scores under 28 points. Last year that mark was 5-0. I didn’t expect the defense to improve this much, but they’re about 4th or 5th in the conference (out of 13) in many defensive categories. With Sheehan/Turner/Barnes/Partridge, this should’ve resulted to a three-, two- or maybe one-loss season thus far. They’re 5-5.

And even though they’re remarkably disappointing, they’re still in it. This reminds me of 2006, when they broke Temple’s magnificent losing streak, and yet still they were alive in November for a shot at winning the division. Oh, they certainly didn’t. But the same scenario is playing out now.

There are two more games for these guys. Just win ‘em both, put the record at 7-5 and finish strong with a quiet three-game win streak to end the season. That’s all I ask.

You write about Tom Amstutz and:

• A local TV sports anchor comments
• You avoid the all-too-easy “Tom Amstutz leaves a void on the sideline that no one man can technically fill” joke

Also, there was a live blog of sorts Saturday night, wherein Texas Tech dropped 56 points on a Top 10 team. It’s hard to believe that, with Alabama and TTU as the remaining unbeaten power conference teams, neither was ranked higher than 12th to start the season.

Remember when I posted stuff on the Futon Report, back in the day? Those were good times. Things are dying down now, so more postings here, hopefully.

Really? I mean … he had another year left on his contract, and maybe at the end of the year a move is made but … really? Stepping down now? Now?

Toledo’s iconic portly coach Tom Amstutz is calling it quits as University of Toledo football head coach. It’s being said he will take a job within the University, which either means he’s burned out and doesn’t want to scan CareerBuilder for a new job, or the University was going to kick his ass to the curb but actually likes the guy and knows he means well.

Either way, why now? Why less than a month after a marquee win for the program? Why the evening of November 2, when they have a nationally-televised game Wednesday night? Something doesn’t smell right about this, but a press conference on Monday will explain everything. Or most everything. I don’t think we’ll get an explanation for the summer sausage.

Just to see if I have this straight:

◼ Points vs. Eastern Michigan at home in four quarters: 21.
◼ Points vs. Akron in the final quarter: 23.

Oh, and EMU lost to Army, who lost to Temple by 28, who lost to Central Michigan by 10, who lost Dan LeFevour to injury at halftime.

And somewhere NIU beats Miami, WMU trips up Buffalo in overtime, nobody noticed Ohio-Kent State, and I haven’t even mentioned ranked Ball State’s win over Western Kentucky.

Hell, that’s a pretty solid MACSploitation recap if you needed one. Consider my work finished for the weekend. Now to go and rattle off 32 straight live blogs.

Why, hi, everyone. The live blogginess and speed readability, coupled with a couple of hours of actual, honest, Real Job endeavors, it’s finally time to check back in with this here site. What’s in the news? Well, it’s … other sites.

If’n you didn’t notice, the Toledo Free Press up and chucked their old site and overhauled it. A couple thoughts:

• Wordpress? Ha. You can tell it’s a new-age newspaper when they use the same software that powers my blog.
• Look at what you can do on the front page! You can, like, scroll over “sports,” and there’s my name. Pow. Right there with the other experts. I have to say, I’ve never been a rollover item before.
• So, on my new author index, I, um, didn’t write most of that.
• God, I need a new headshot.

Most delightfully, though, is the addition of comments to articles, as evidenced by this weekend’s apology to Eastern Michigan and Ypsilanti, which sure enough irritated some EMU fans. (Ever see EMU smack talk before? It’s FREAKY.) This probes what I’ve thought all along about my TFP columns: there have been countless spiteful and vindictive thoughts from dissatisfied readers that went completely unheard, and I for one now feel deprived of them. Fortunately the right has been wronged, somewhat, and we can all move on in our lives having been enriched with nuggets such as:

I heard that EMU may have burned a jersey in the locker room after the game and at first I thought that was insulting to Bowling Green but after hearing about how negative and unprofessional the press has been towards Eastern Michigan University I wish they had burned the jersey right on the 50 yard line.

Also, look! Stock quotes!

Here’s a team that lost by double digits to FIU. No points against Ball State. And at one point, looked like they might not’ve been able to beat any other teams on their schedule, thus solidifying a one-win season and the ripping up of Tom Amstutz’s business cards.

But then:

Toledo 13, Michigan 10.

Is it okay, fellow BGSU fans, to enjoy this one? Why, yes. Yes it is.

Next week: Watch Toledo lose 61-13 to Central Michigan.

I wonder what it’s like to play your main rival when it’s not the final game of the year. Sure, Toledo and Bowling Green weren’t always the last game, so it shouldn’t be too hard to fathom, but it’s still an odd feeling. When a team doesn’t mind going 1-11 as long as that one win is against the most loathed team, the wind really has to be taken out of a team’s sails if a 5-0 start is tarnished by a rival loss. Sadly, this must be how Kent State feels every year.

12 noon — Akron (2-3, 0-1) at Kent State (1-4,10-1) ◼ ESPN Game Plan
Seriously, why don’t they just buy a second wagon wheel so they can both have one?

2 p.m. — Ohio (1-4, 0-1) at WMU (4-1, 2-0) ◼ Seriously?
I keep forgetting Western Michigan is good. Maybe it’s better that way.

3:30 p.m. — Temple (1-4, 0-2) at Miami (1-3) ◼ ONN
Temple has upgraded from losing big to losing barely.

4 p.m. — EMU (1-4, 0-2) at BG (2-2) ◼ Wood County Camcorders
You know that intramural football team that felt really good about their chances at the beginning of the season, but then started playing games and got crushed, and in the middle of the season just wanted to quit? Well, I don’t know why I just thought of that as I looked at Eastern Michigan’s changes, but I did.

7 p.m. — Ball State (5-0, 2-0) at Toledo (1-3, 1-0) ◼ …or NOT
So Toledo kicks the bucket against FIU, and Ball State’s riding high. Of course UT pulls this off somehow. It’s goddamn conference play. That’s just how it goes.

7 p.m. — Northern Illinois (2-2) at Tennessee (1-3) ◼ Even Tennessee doesn’t care
What looked like a complete laugher three weeks ago has turned into a simple harmless blowout.