The Futon Report

Hey, it’s been a week and a half. The team that destroyed the Cubs’ centennial of righting a century’s wrongs is almost out of the playoffs themselves. But nope. Let’s keep dwelling on the Cubs.

Today on ESPN Radio, I kid you not, it went something … like-a this:

“John Wooden turned 98 today. He was born two years after the Chicago Cubs last won the World Series.”

God. I’m glad they’re still using frames of references that continue to twist the knife into Chicago. Although I guess it was more humane than “He was born two years before the sinking of the Titanic,” because some of us are still trying to get over that tragedy.

This is Cubs pitcher Sean Gallagher. He probably has a few words with the team photographer. Unless, of course, he was trying to pull off the image of being real excitement after a huge gulp of Diet Coke and pop rocks.

He starts tomorrow against the Blue Jays. Not sure who’s going for Toronto, but I don’t think it’s Kevin Reese.

So here’s the thing about groin injuries, girls. (Guys: just keep reading.) Mere mentions of them usually cause an involuntary bend toward the fetal position in a preemptive gambit to protect our precious bits. Any description of said groin injury usually elicits actual painful sounds. And for some reason, hearing about the corrective procedures isn’t much better.

On that note, Cubs outfielder Felix Pie had his testicles sewn to his scrotum on Monday. Read more