The Futon Report

He made such a convincing argument that he’s a great lover, that I now want to be his girlfriend. And I’m not even gay.

(I think it was the way he pronounced “assume.”)

You know, this is how World War I started. All the European Nations began bickering with each other, and before you know it … BLAM! Ferdinand was gone.

So it’s Will’s final week on Deadspin, and he wrote a missive about Jason McIntyre, Mike Florio, (feat. AJ Daulerio), and other sports blogs trying to get mainstream acceptance. Then McIntyre responded with a “no response,” then Matt Ufford fired back at McIntyre, then Dave Lozo fired back at Leitch. And they all have some great points, and also really missed some of their targets. But all I’m saying is if one of The Dugout guys gets shivved, this shit’s awn. Read more

"I think when you die, your soul goes to a garage in Buffalo.” — George Carlin, 1978

While this bit might be more appropriate for the situation, this is in fact a sportively-themed blogsite, so let’s embed this one:

George Carlin is one of my two favorite comedians of all time. Granted, I only got acquainted with him in 2001 with “Complaints And Grievances” as well as seeing him live in 2003, I quickly became familiar with his earlier work, such as A Place For My Stuff perhaps the world’s only perfect comedy album.

His “Seven Words You Can Never Say On Television” schtick (notice how he never called it “Seven Dirty Words” — that was a media-created title) might have been his Stairway To Heaven, but that bit was merely one of the many ways he criticized our use of the English language (”Try to pay attention to the language we’ve all agreed on.”) It was as if the man just sat down and pored through dictionaries and idioms coming up with ideas.

George Carlin was definitely one of my biggest inspirations. (So if you hate my shit, you know who to blame.) Good sir, I don’t mourn your death — because he certainly doesn’t seem like the kind of guy that’d want us to be sad about a human death — but rather salute your entire oeuvre.

Hey guys, I just got the greatest idea for a Russian Roulette game for kids:

1. Buy one (1) bag of
Kellogg’s™ Lego® Fruit Flavored Snacks
2. Buy one (1) Lego®
3. Mix them together
4. Each kid takes a turn picking one at random and swallowing it

(Ages 6 and up, some assembly required) ◼ → Dave Barry

M’kay. So the Tigers played the Diamondbacks. The Indians played the Reds. The Cavaliers left it all out on the court yet they won’t go on to face the Pistons. The Red Wings are in Stanley’s Final Cup or something like that. There’s a lot I coulda written this weekend, if I had the will or drive to write about them.

So to keep the place warm, until something piques my undying sarcasm in the sports world, I’ll veer off on a controlled tangent and share the similarities between the movie Airplane! and the 1950s cult classic Zero Hour! While I knew of some of the copycatted lines, this particular video I didn’t see until tonight. Video should be clear. Video should load if you have enough bandwidth. You’ll have to decide. You’ll have to decide. You’ll have to decide.

Online Videos by Veoh.com

So. Anyone wanna take a crack at what this guy was actually searching for?

I hope he found what he needed.

This is probably NSFW, and definitely not sports related. To which I say: so the hell what? So is blogging in general. ◼ TotalFark

Turning our eyes overseas for a moment, The Sun has learned about a British man who bet 50 pence (about one dollar) on an 8-1 horse and won. Seven more winnings bets later, the man walked away with a million pounds (about $2 million US).

Freddie Craggs laid down a shiny 50 pence coin on a horse named Isn’t That Lucky and finished up his eight consecutive accumulator bets with a horse named A Dream Come True. It’s impressive, granted, but it would have been more impressive if Craggs had bet on horses named like You’ll Curse Your Family or I Poop On The Backstretch. Read more

First, the unimportant news: NIU’s basketball game against WMU on Sunday has been canceled. Okay, let’s move on.

I’ve never been to Northern Illinois University. Or the city of DeKalb. But NIU athletics have been a solid foundation of Mid-American Conference sports for the last 45 years, rejoining the MAC back in ‘97. And I can’t really explain why I feel compelled to write some sort of post or article or smatterings of paragraphs dedicated to the lives lost and innocences shattered by the gunman who entered Cole Hall last night. But while in the past the unknown has caused some fun around here, for once this will be serious, and have a message … maybe, when I close the laptop. (warning: this is really long) Read more