We’re Gonna Take This Sitting Down
Hey, it’s been a week and a half. The team that destroyed the Cubs’ centennial of righting a century’s wrongs is almost out of the playoffs themselves. But nope. Let’s keep dwelling on the Cubs.
Today on ESPN Radio, I kid you not, it went something … like-a this:
“John Wooden turned 98 today. He was born two years after the Chicago Cubs last won the World Series.”
God. I’m glad they’re still using frames of references that continue to twist the knife into Chicago. Although I guess it was more humane than “He was born two years before the sinking of the Titanic,” because some of us are still trying to get over that tragedy.
Or maybe it just happens after time. [polite applause from coffee house patrons]
It felt like a good time to play Count The Onesies, because there’s little else to do. I was going to throw a Bill Plaschke masterpiece your way, but the damn thing’s three pages and we need some fresh blood.
Jeff Miller, step right up. You were still in Beijing Sunday, which in America Standard Time was next November. You were all ready for some volleyball finals, and being the Orange County Register’s sports columnist, it was time to laud your region for producing great volleyballists who dominated the globe — all while not really being a mainstream sport here in the States. Read more
Mr. “Maff,” whoever you are, you are clearly an old school sportswriter. You cut your teeth between the gutters. You wrote to fit. And you established yourself. Hats off! But you’re writing, what appears to be, a blog entry. You’re not bound by a handful of picas. You can kick back and streeetch that bad boy out.
If you play the metro columnist reading game that’s sweeping the nation, “Count The Onesies,” you’ll see that this “Maff” fellow weighs in with eight consecutive one-sentence paragraphs to start his blog post. That’s the kind of carriage returnmanship that gets you on the Woody Paige and Ron Musselman plateau. Read more
Ethan J. Skolnick, a name that’s tied with Tristan H. Cockcroft for the Sportswriter Most Likely To Be Using A Fake Name Or Possibly Also The Sender Of A Spam E-mail, wrote a feature story on sports blogs and sports blogginess and their affectation toward boobies and blockquoting in lieu of actually interviewing people and getting the real story about what roster changes will take place tomorrow.
The featured site in the MSNBC piece, though, was SPORTSbyBROOKS (how come nobody else capitalizes it but me and Brooks?) which made it stand out particularly more, because normally the push is to make The Big Deadspin Lead as the two-headed monster leading the sports blogohedron, when they were both created more recently than SbB. Plus, y’know, I write for The Brooks and such. Maybe I was mentioned!
I was. “Sort of.” Read more
The Crime: Using the word Favregate.
One of my pet peeves among writers covering ongoing news is taking some kind of scandal or complicated, drawn out story and adding the -gate suffix to it. (See: Gate, Spy). Scandals imply lying, dishonesty, corruption, and/or general fuckupery. This Brett Favre story has none of those qualities, which might be why it’s such an annoying story. Yet, here we are. Favregate. People are saying it.
For the crime of misuse of -gate in a major sporting event story, I hereby ask that the following writers be suspended from their publications for 24 hours: Read more
Ya know, Associated Press throwaway ledes are too much fun sometimes:
DETROIT (AP) — If Brian Bannister were a lefty, people would call him crafty. Instead, he’ll have to settle for effective.
If Brian Bannister were old, people would call him a veteran. Instead, he’ll have to settle for 27 years old.
If Brian Bannister were an outfielder, people would call him a heads-up player. Instead, he’ll have to settle for a good pitcher.
If Brian Bannister were a rich man, ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum. Instead, he’ll have to settle for working hard.
(By the way, I’m not sure how that Royals-Tigers series finished. Probably best to assume the Tigers won all three games. Yeah, that’s it.)
4. Kissing Suzy Kolber: Sean Taylor Didn’t Die
3. Pro Football Talk: Just Making Up A Story
2. The Basketball Jones: Jones Basketball The
1. Toledo Blade: Toledo Hires Bob Knight As Head Coach
I’ve been called many things. This is a new one, though, regarding the Dan Patrick move to Sports Illustrated and the Rick Reilly hop over to ESPN:
Minutes after the Patrick-for-Reilly switch was announced, one of the merrymakers over at the Web site Deadspin quipped that ESPN had filled its “smart-alecky, middle-aged white guy quota.”
I wonder who that fellow was? He sure sounds like a guy who would make people merry. Moreover, I want to know which guy in that illustration is the merrymaker. Is it the yellow shirt-black pants combo? That seems like merry outfit to me.
(Truth be told, the article is a pretty decent read.) ◼ New York Times