The Futon Report

Really? I mean … he had another year left on his contract, and maybe at the end of the year a move is made but … really? Stepping down now? Now?

Toledo’s iconic portly coach Tom Amstutz is calling it quits as University of Toledo football head coach. It’s being said he will take a job within the University, which either means he’s burned out and doesn’t want to scan CareerBuilder for a new job, or the University was going to kick his ass to the curb but actually likes the guy and knows he means well.

Either way, why now? Why less than a month after a marquee win for the program? Why the evening of November 2, when they have a nationally-televised game Wednesday night? Something doesn’t smell right about this, but a press conference on Monday will explain everything. Or most everything. I don’t think we’ll get an explanation for the summer sausage.

While I don’t really have a great excuse for the lack of MACSploitation updates, I will say the conference is not out of my minds (although, seriously, does EVERY team in the East have two conference losses already?). The proof is in this week’s TFP version of the Futon Report, denouncing Tuesday night football.

Four games. That’s all the conference gets this week. Eight of the 13 teams will squat on their barcalounger this Saturday. Five teams aren’t playing this week, because two are on bye weeks, but three either played in last Tuesday’s game or next Tuesday’s game.

The BG-Northern Illinois game is kinda-sorta on TV. Lord, I’m afraid of that one.

I wonder what it’s like to play your main rival when it’s not the final game of the year. Sure, Toledo and Bowling Green weren’t always the last game, so it shouldn’t be too hard to fathom, but it’s still an odd feeling. When a team doesn’t mind going 1-11 as long as that one win is against the most loathed team, the wind really has to be taken out of a team’s sails if a 5-0 start is tarnished by a rival loss. Sadly, this must be how Kent State feels every year.

12 noon — Akron (2-3, 0-1) at Kent State (1-4,10-1) ◼ ESPN Game Plan
Seriously, why don’t they just buy a second wagon wheel so they can both have one?

2 p.m. — Ohio (1-4, 0-1) at WMU (4-1, 2-0) ◼ Seriously?
I keep forgetting Western Michigan is good. Maybe it’s better that way.

3:30 p.m. — Temple (1-4, 0-2) at Miami (1-3) ◼ ONN
Temple has upgraded from losing big to losing barely.

4 p.m. — EMU (1-4, 0-2) at BG (2-2) ◼ Wood County Camcorders
You know that intramural football team that felt really good about their chances at the beginning of the season, but then started playing games and got crushed, and in the middle of the season just wanted to quit? Well, I don’t know why I just thought of that as I looked at Eastern Michigan’s changes, but I did.

7 p.m. — Ball State (5-0, 2-0) at Toledo (1-3, 1-0) ◼ …or NOT
So Toledo kicks the bucket against FIU, and Ball State’s riding high. Of course UT pulls this off somehow. It’s goddamn conference play. That’s just how it goes.

7 p.m. — Northern Illinois (2-2) at Tennessee (1-3) ◼ Even Tennessee doesn’t care
What looked like a complete laugher three weeks ago has turned into a simple harmless blowout.

Fifteen minutes of your life will be wasted well spent on this. From the Buffalo-Temple game to Ball State’s potential undefeated run to people picking Western Michigan basketball over LSU football.

And I think I got the sound levels a little better controlled. But not much.

In case you missed it on Saturday, the game of the day might’ve been the touchdown swaps by Buffalo and Temple in the final minute. Drew Willy’s the guy who threw it. Naaman Roosevelt is the receiver. Temple gets to be the team that loses on the final play in consecutive weeks. Temple, in this metaphor, is the San Diego Chargers. And Buffalo, to fill out this alternative NFL parallel, can be … well, I guess, Buffalo.

Perhaps I ought to be grateful that with a 1-2 start, BG is still projected as a bowl team by one guy who works for a major sports news organization. Fair enough. But some things in life just shan’t be lived through again.

When the selling point on the press release is “two of our games are televised!” it better mean that (a) there are only three games this weekend, or (b) the majority of cable channels are having a blackout this weekend because they forgot to pay their bills. Alas, six games go untelevised, which means it’s up to me to decide which off-brand local station will pick up the games. Because everyone needs their MAC football. Ev. Ry. 1.

12 noon — Temple (1-1) at Buffalo (1-1) ◼ ESPN+

They were once jokes. Now they’re less funny jokes. Winner is my sleeper pick to win the MAC East until further notified by way of bad loss.

12 noon — Toledo (0-1) at Eastern Michigan (1-1) ◼ the eyes of about 5,000 Ypsilantians

Get this. EMU’s favored in this game. By two points. Absolutely will this game not be won by the second best team in Washtenaw County. (Read: Pioneer High School)

1:00 p.m — Ball State (2-0) at Akron (1-1) ◼ Who’s want to watch it anyway?

KEEP THEM ALIVE! ONLY MAC TEAM THAT CAN GO UNDEFEATED! GO CARDINALS! Until of course their inevitable bed-shitting against NIU.

2:00 p.m. — Central Michigan (1-1) at Ohio (0-2) ◼ Someone might take pictures

Well, Ohio lost to OSU by 12, while CMU lost to Georgia by 39. Most people believe Georgia would beat Ohio State by 58. Translation: CMU-Ohio will end in a tie.

2:00 p.m. — Delaware State (1-0) at Kent State (0-2) ◼ If CMU and Ball State aren’t on, what are these guys’ chances?

You’d like to think this will be a I-AA upset, but note this: D-State coach Al Lavan coached at EMU. On an interim basis. So just chew on that for awhile.

3:00 p.m. — Charleston Southern (0-2) at Miami (0-2) ◼ Oxford, Ohio public access (tape delay)

Expect big things from the RedHawks offense, who will easily run past defenders doing a dance from the 1920s.

4:00 p.m. — Western Michigan (1-1) at Idaho (1-1) ◼ Your Napoleon Dynamite reference here

When the Vandals meet the Broncos … hug your Visigoth children in case you never see them again.

8:00 p.m. — Bowling Green (1-1) at Boise State (1-0) ◼ ESPN+

So, a couple things. For one, I don’t want to talk about last week. They cheated. (Hopefully.) Secondly, the BG defense, beyond the collective ability to usher the offense through the secondary, has some mighty fine playmakers. For example, Diyral Briggs leads the nation in sacks with five. Tied for second: every other man in the world, with one.

Idle hands: Northern Illinois

And just in time, too! So far, one game and no disappointments. Let’s just call it a week, shall we?

FRIDAY

Ball State 35, Navy 23

In their defense, our naval victories have been few and far between in the entire state of Indiana.

SATURDAY

12 noon — Miami at Michigan ◼ ESPN2

By this game Rich Rodriguez should be able to spell all his quarterback’s names.

12 noon — Ohio at #2 Ohio State ◼ ESPN
Just another game for another OSU running back to get injured in. Just kick field goals every down.

12 noon — Connecticut at Temple ◼ ESPNU
It’s not a basketball matchup, so you’re not interested.

3:30 p.m. — Eastern Michigan at Michigan State ◼ Big Ten Network

Winner gets to say this shirt is about them:

3:30 p.m. — Central Michigan at #1 Georgia ◼ FSN South
Wait’ll the SEC gets a load of a white quarterback who runs and throws for a lot of touchdowns!

3:30 p.m. — Akron at Syracuse ◼ FSN Ohio
Orange Zip sounds like a fake soda from the ’80s. Which it is. It’s fake. Because I made it up.

6 p.m. — Buffalo at Pittsburgh ◼ ESPN+

The Pittsburgh Panthers do NOT want to get in an 0-2 hole in the MAC East. ◼

7 p.m. — Northern Illinois at Western Michigan ◼ Any camcorders the players’ parents bring
Whoa whoa whoa, why the rush for conference games so early?

7 p.m. — Kent State at Iowa State ◼ Iowa actually doesn’t have TV
The Golden Cyclone was a conceptual amusement park ride back in the ’90s that was to replace the old Orange Zip Slushee stand that nobody frequented.

7:30 p.m. — Minnesota at Bowling Green ◼ ESPNU
In no way will I get my hopes up for this KICK THE GOPHER AZZ 2-0 BCS CRASH PARTY!!!!1!1@1

10 p.m. — Toledo at Arizona ◼ Tucson Public Access Regional Southeast, weather permitting
They had a bye last week, and this one’s their first. I’m not going to make the “it must takes two weeks to transport Tom Amstutz across the continent” joke, for I am above it.

After that oh-so-sweet win over the Pittsburgh Wannstedts on Saturday, I figured a couple of Associated Press voters to throw a couple of farthings the Falcons’ way. And sure, ’nuff, it happened. They have 17 votes, putting them 33rd, ahead of Virginia Tech. The people who voted for ‘em?

Bret Bloomquist, El Paso Times: 25th
Mike DeArmond, Kansas City Star: 25th
Joe Rexrode, Lansing State Journal: 25th

Michigan. Texas. And Missouri. (And Kansas, kind of!) Anyone else?

Scott Wolf, LA Daily News: 21st

Awright, 21st! That’s five whole poll points! And from a man in California no less! Surely nobody would go above th…

Adam Van Brimmer, Savannah Morning News: 17th

Um. Really? Seventeenth? I mean, hey, big Falcon support here, but 17th? Higher than when they were 8-0 in 2002, when they were 20th? Was Pittsburgh Van Brimmer’s sleeper pick to make a BCS game?

It should also be noted that he put BG ahead of West Virginia (actually 8th), Wisconsin (11th), Arizona State and BYU (15th). I guess the old Daytonian proverb is true. Nothing is more refreshing than to have a team from Ohio do something in Pittsburgh and have it felt in Georgia, and nowhere else.

Breakdown of AP voters ◼ Associated Press

I’ve made it into enemy territory (Canada), disguised as a pasty white guy with baseball cap. The disguise worked perfectly. I wish I could say the same for Canadian Football League’s latest Chad Johnson homage. Arland Bruce III, who sounds way wealthier than he probably is, was fined by the CFL for putting on a Spider-Man mask after catching a touchdown for the Toronto Argonauts.

The blatantly arachnophobic CFL took an undisclosed amount of money away from Bruce’s piggy bank as a result of the stunt. Why was it undisclosed? Because even they aren’t certain of the exchange rate. The rules clearly state no player can be “in possession of a foreign or extraneous object that is not part of the uniform or equipment.” This is why the team’s punter got away with that “kicking the penguin” celebration after scoring one point.

Stay tuned as I uncover all other Canadian sports scandals in the coming days by watching this quirky “SportsCentre” show. You don’t think they’re owned by the same … nah.