The Futon Report

Friend of the site and, more to the point, Akron Beacon-Journal columnist Brian Windhorst hasn’t been doing his usual cerebral coverage of the Cavaliers and this week’s NBA Draft because he’s been sick in the hospital. Once he gets out, he’ll no doubt return to his stellar work, and until then, please keep him in your thoughts.

A big trade involving the Detroit Pistons is imminent. Joe Dumars said so, and he’s never lied to me before. So who’s gonna show up? Carmelo Anthony? Tracy McGrady? Josh [gulp] Howard? The suspense is tantalizing! I feel like a Tigers fan when the team still had Cameron Maybin!

The Free Press (Detroit variety)’s columnist Drew Sharp thinks Zach Randolph would make a fine addition to the Detroit Pistons.

You mean this Zach Randolph?

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Seriously, NBA Playoffs? Is this really how the second round is going to be? The home team is freakin’ 20-1 in these four series.

I keep watching, thinking I’m going to see that one surprise. And we might have seen it when a Billups-free Detroit Pistons won a game in freakin’ Orlando. Put your index finger in the air and wave it around in a horizontal circle.

San Antonio blew out New Orleans at home (ya don’t say!) in Game 6, so the series goes back to N’awlins. Utah and Cleveland retreat back home for their Game 6s on Friday, and there’s no doubt they’ll win them convincingly.

Sorry if I spoiled the ending for you. I tend to screw that up. Much like Jim screwed up by not proposing to Pam on The Office.

I heard Kevin Harlan say it the first time … in NBA Jam 2000. It’s one of the canned lines every damn time someone dunks. I was pretty sick of it, but I guess it has a nicer ring when a real human being dunks.

Honestly, I’m not at all sure how I missed this one as it happened. I vividly recall the foul. The not-letting-go after the whistle. The centrifugal force into the bleachers. The fans yelling back. And for some reason … LeBron James yelling at a fan.

But what eluded me was who the fan was — his mom, Gloria James. There she is, on the left. Remember her? Well, she apparently gets great seats at Cavaliers home games, and Paul Pierce (the Celtics man on the left) almost got Glorified on this night, featuring a Cavaliers 88-77 win.

Thankfully the graceful son shouted some sense into Momma. Read more

Let’s play a game of Scruples. You’re offered $24 million to be poked by hot needles for four years. That’s it. You just sit there, and hot needles prod you, day after day, until 2012. It sounds painful, but it also sounds like a lot of money. Would you do it?

I didn’t think so either. But former Suns coach Mike D’Antoni said “eh, sure” and will coach the Knicks, earning $24 million over four years for doing it. Youch. Godspeed. ◼ Newsday

You might’ve heard the story last week about Papa John’s apologizing to LeBron James and the Cavaliers fans for sponsoring “CRYBABY 23″ t-shirts during their series against the Wizards. As part of their self-flagellation, they agreed to give Northeast Ohio discount pizzas at 23 cents each. As strange as it sounds, looks like they’re gonna run out of pizza.

Earlier this afternoon, the chain warned that stores could run out of ingredients by dinnertime.

Officials later huddled and determined that “we are hours away from running out of product” and stores expect to stay open through dinnertime.

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Call this the biggest slap in the face in the world, but most people still aren’t giving the Atlanta Hawks much of a chance to win Sunday’s Game 7 that they forced last night against the Boston Celtics.

This is a No. 8 seed that finished 37-44, pushing the 65-16 Celtics to the edge of the first round, even though Boston swept Atlanta in the regular season series. So can you blame traditional logic? Either way, the Cleveland Cavaliers have to freakin’ love this series. Read more

In points, rebounds, and fouls.

Also, I’m not sure if that final score is an error. 108-72? Could be Congress voting to override Bush’s latest veto. (Topical humor!)

HT: Maureen

“What if we try..”
“…Rip run the curl?”
“Yeah!”
“Tried it.”
“Hmm. What about … ‘Sheed, you post up?”
“Tried it.”
“I see.”
“What if Chauncey just shoots a…”
“That didn’t work either.”
“Well, dammit, that’s our entire playbook.” ◼ AP