The Futon Report

So here’s the thing about groin injuries, girls. (Guys: just keep reading.) Mere mentions of them usually cause an involuntary bend toward the fetal position in a preemptive gambit to protect our precious bits. Any description of said groin injury usually elicits actual painful sounds. And for some reason, hearing about the corrective procedures isn’t much better.

On that note, Cubs outfielder Felix Pie had his testicles sewn to his scrotum on Monday. Read more

  
Okay, I’m hereby convinced someone out there is going back in time and planting these videos in the 80s. That’s the only explanation for these countless music “videos” showing up in this decade, the Aughts.

Sussman: how do these keep resurfacing
Tuffy: satin floats

That’s another theory. What do you think, Rick? “[gives 'OK sign'] It STINKS!” ◼ Fark → YouTube

Note: The damn thing doesn’t embed. What’s the point of a YouTube, I ask you?

Update: The video, she now embeds.

I like it when the jokes are right there in front of me, with the qualifier that the jokes are not too transparent so that I don’t accidentally run into them, or at the very least are tagged with brightly-colored stickers.

KISSIMMEE, Fla. (AP) — Houston Astros right fielder Hunter Pence crashed through a sliding glass door in the bathroom of his spring training home, leaving him with multiple cuts that will sideline him for a week.
…
Pence said he was in a hot tub at the home where he’s staying and got out to use the bathroom. He had left the door open, but didn’t noticed that a friend had just closed it. He hit it with his shoulder, leg and head and it shattered.

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On one hand, you have to feel slightly sorry for Brandon Inge. On the other hand, no matter what he does he’ll make $6 million this year (Exception: if he’s caught in a hotel room with hookers-and-blow) and it’s difficult to empathize with that kind of scrilla influx.

The Tigers now-backup third basemen still wants to play baseball and doesn’t want to ride the pine behind new third baseman Miguel Cabrera, a trade I must say is still the most brilliant move, Santana To The Mets included. I don’t blame him — he’s a baseball player, and he would love nothing else than to man the keystone 150 games a year for some team. But still. Read more