The Futon Report

Their big trade acquisition? Tony Clark. He’s slugging just over .300. All right!

Okay, he had a pretty freakin’ awesome 2005 year with a 1.002 OPS and crushing 30 home runs, but then the Diamondbacks found a Conor Jackson tucked away in the glove compartment, and he’s a rather good first baseman, I’d say.

I know, I know. This wasn’t the Diamondbacks’ idea of fixing everything. (Getting Justin Upton a fake ID so he thinks he’s not actually 20 years old is one idea.) But, sheesh. Trading for Tony Clark? Couldn’t they have just cloned Augie Ojeda or lured Travis Lee out of retirement?

Now I’m no fan of the Redlasso video player. The dern thing usually locks up Firefox for 30 seconds whenever I access a website that has it on there. But it’s the only way I’m able to share the most cerebral moment from Tim McCarver’s broadcast of the All-Star Game on Tuesday, the live blog of which I believe I’m fully recovered from.

Okay, maybe we don’t know if it’s CC or C.C. His official website uses both. But we do know that he was antsy enough to plaster over the Indians logo with the Brewers script logo by any MS Paint means necessary.

Phew. Good thing they shared a common color jersey. You don’t want to have to get into magic wand-RGB level manipulation just yet. And couldn’t it have waited until tonight, when the man actually pitches for Milly-wau-kay? Just because ESPN already ’shopped him in an M’s hat doesn’t mean every Brewers fan has carte blance to throw their 48-hour level of patience out the bay window. After all, Indians fans have well over 48 years of patience.

So get this. In the 15th inning, the Seattle Mariners ran out of pitchers, so they put backup catcher Jamie Burke to pitch.

Jamie Burke. Backup catcher. Pitching … extra innings … phastballs … can’t … sides, hurting …

(Yes, he did give up a run, and the Tigers won 2-1.)

The last couple of days I’ve spent probably more than two (2) hours aggregate on this new beta fantasy baseball game called Baseball Boss, which I learned about from Tuffy, who learned about it from TechCrunch.

Follow the TechCrunch link for referrals if you want to give it a whirl, although I’ll warn you since you’re basically hearing about this fourth-hand, there may not be spots left. But on the plus side, if you tell someone about it, and they tell someone, that second someone will be Kevin Bacon. Which will make for a great conversation start at your next dinner party. Read more

This one’s a two-part rant. Both parts reference this mailbag, to ease complication.

The first part. Tim from Cleveland asks Indians beat writer Anthony Castrovince:

What happens to the players and staff at Triple-A Buffalo if the Indians switch to Columbus? Will the players stay at Buffalo or move to Columbus?

(Before I begin, I will mention that Castrovince does share that the Indians Triple-A team will be in Columbus next year, disregarding the “if” in the question. So … neat.)

Um. Tim? They’re Indians players. They’re part of the Indians farm system. Why would the players stay in Buffalo? Why would anyone stay in Buffalo, for that matter? Why would … you know what, I’m just going to chalk it up to you not knowing about how minor league systems work. I’ll grant you a pass.

Now for Numero Dos. Read more

On the pet peeve spectrum, 1 being sandals with socks and 10 being text messaging, energy drinks land somewhere between emails with colored text and usage of the word “team” in a corporate setting. Did we need another way to consume caffeine cold? They made 38 flavors of Diet Pepsi, half of which were submitted by me. That’s plenty.

Having said that, the following Fark photoshop contest (rejected energy drinks) yielded some pretty good ones, but this old timey submission by “SvartVinbars” was my favorite (click through for the readable version): Read more

This is Cubs pitcher Sean Gallagher. He probably has a few words with the team photographer. Unless, of course, he was trying to pull off the image of being real excitement after a huge gulp of Diet Coke and pop rocks.

He starts tomorrow against the Blue Jays. Not sure who’s going for Toronto, but I don’t think it’s Kevin Reese.

Dusty Baker mumbles under his breath, “I told him to swing at that!”

Congrats, Griffey. You’re the 6th person to do that.

From what I’ve read, these beauts are only donned on weekends and holidays in Jacob Progress Field. Creme-colored. No names on the back. A hint of Cubbiness in the hat.

Still, it’s kind of odd that a throwback Indians uniform contains far less blatant racism.

Remind me when the Tribe break these guys out, though. And the only fashion advice I have for the Tigers: just wear these.

Can’t hurt.(Photo credit: Chuck Crow/The Plain Dealer)