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2008 September archive | The Futon Report

Sep

9

I’m Sure the New York Post Will Refer To This As The “Pudge Nudge”

≡ Category: Baseball | ≅ Leave a Comment

toriipuush.jpg

And to think, if the Yankees didn’t make that trade, it’s Kyle Farnsworth pushing Torii Hunter instead.

(Photo Credit: Stephen Dunn/Getty)

Sep

8

Oh, Just Stay Retired Already

≡ Category: Cycling | ≅ Leave a Comment

lance.jpgThat’s it. No professional athlete will ever retire again. Ever. You thought they were done? Don’t believe them.

Cycling mag VeloNews is saying that Lance Armstrong will compete in the 2009 Tour de France after sitting out for three years. Because he has so much to prove.

VeloNews writer Neal Rogers, who never met an anonymous source he didn’t like, says that Vanity Fair will have the “exclusive article” on Armstrong’s retirement coming-out party. Well, so much for the exclusivity. Read more

Sep

7

Live blog

≡ Category: Elsewhere | ≅ Leave a Comment

Another quality live blog, but somehow the Bears beat the Colts. ◼ Deadspin

Sep

7

THF

≡ Category: Elsewhere | ≅ Leave a Comment

You know you’re pining for a bad Don LaFontaine impression, premature cockiness of BG-Minnesota, and Canada breaking down my Skype connection. ◼ THF

Sep

6

MACSploitation Week 2

≡ Category: Football, MAC | ≅ 5 Comments

And just in time, too! So far, one game and no disappointments. Let’s just call it a week, shall we?

FRIDAY

Ball State 35, Navy 23

In their defense, our naval victories have been few and far between in the entire state of Indiana.

SATURDAY

12 noon — Miami at Michigan ◼ ESPN2

By this game Rich Rodriguez should be able to spell all his quarterback’s names.

12 noon — Ohio at #2 Ohio State ◼ ESPN
Just another game for another OSU running back to get injured in. Just kick field goals every down.

12 noon — Connecticut at Temple ◼ ESPNU
It’s not a basketball matchup, so you’re not interested.

3:30 p.m. — Eastern Michigan at Michigan State ◼ Big Ten Network

Winner gets to say this shirt is about them:

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3:30 p.m. — Central Michigan at #1 Georgia ◼ FSN South
Wait’ll the SEC gets a load of a white quarterback who runs and throws for a lot of touchdowns!

3:30 p.m. — Akron at Syracuse ◼ FSN Ohio
Orange Zip sounds like a fake soda from the ’80s. Which it is. It’s fake. Because I made it up.

6 p.m. — Buffalo at Pittsburgh ◼ ESPN+

The Pittsburgh Panthers do NOT want to get in an 0-2 hole in the MAC East. ◼

7 p.m. — Northern Illinois at Western Michigan ◼ Any camcorders the players’ parents bring
Whoa whoa whoa, why the rush for conference games so early?

7 p.m. — Kent State at Iowa State ◼ Iowa actually doesn’t have TV
The Golden Cyclone was a conceptual amusement park ride back in the ’90s that was to replace the old Orange Zip Slushee stand that nobody frequented.

7:30 p.m. — Minnesota at Bowling Green ◼ ESPNU
In no way will I get my hopes up for this KICK THE GOPHER AZZ 2-0 BCS CRASH PARTY!!!!1!1@1

10 p.m. — Toledo at Arizona ◼ Tucson Public Access Regional Southeast, weather permitting
They had a bye last week, and this one’s their first. I’m not going to make the “it must takes two weeks to transport Tom Amstutz across the continent” joke, for I am above it.

Sep

4

It’s, Um, Dice Rolling! Yeah!

≡ Category: Non-Sports | ≅ Leave a Comment

What’d you think it was? Sinners.

(Sorry, I saw the source photo, and the GIF just animated itself.)

Sep

4

Tatum baggage

≡ Category: Armrest | ≅ Leave a Comment

Tatum Bell took off with Rudi Johnson’s luggage. Gain of two yards. ◼ Shutdown Corner

Sep

4

Cribbs and Jamal

≡ Category: Armrest | ≅ Leave a Comment

TSN showed their Top Ten NFL plays from 2007. Two of them were Cleveland Browns plays. Josh Cribbs’ disaster-to-master return TD, and the one where the New York Jets forgot how to tackle Jamal Lewis.

Sep

4

BG Ranked Ahead Of WV?

≡ Category: Bowling Green, Football | ≅ 1 Comment

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After that oh-so-sweet win over the Pittsburgh Wannstedts on Saturday, I figured a couple of Associated Press voters to throw a couple of farthings the Falcons’ way. And sure, ’nuff, it happened. They have 17 votes, putting them 33rd, ahead of Virginia Tech. The people who voted for ‘em?

Bret Bloomquist, El Paso Times: 25th
Mike DeArmond, Kansas City Star: 25th
Joe Rexrode, Lansing State Journal: 25th

Michigan. Texas. And Missouri. (And Kansas, kind of!) Anyone else?

Scott Wolf, LA Daily News: 21st

Awright, 21st! That’s five whole poll points! And from a man in California no less! Surely nobody would go above th…

Adam Van Brimmer, Savannah Morning News: 17th

Um. Really? Seventeenth? I mean, hey, big Falcon support here, but 17th? Higher than when they were 8-0 in 2002, when they were 20th? Was Pittsburgh Van Brimmer’s sleeper pick to make a BCS game?

It should also be noted that he put BG ahead of West Virginia (actually 8th), Wisconsin (11th), Arizona State and BYU (15th). I guess the old Daytonian proverb is true. Nothing is more refreshing than to have a team from Ohio do something in Pittsburgh and have it felt in Georgia, and nowhere else.

Breakdown of AP voters ◼ Associated Press

Sep

2

The CFL Hates Tobey Maguire

≡ Category: Football | ≅ Leave a Comment

I’ve made it into enemy territory (Canada), disguised as a pasty white guy with baseball cap. The disguise worked perfectly. I wish I could say the same for Canadian Football League’s latest Chad Johnson homage. Arland Bruce III, who sounds way wealthier than he probably is, was fined by the CFL for putting on a Spider-Man mask after catching a touchdown for the Toronto Argonauts.

The blatantly arachnophobic CFL took an undisclosed amount of money away from Bruce’s piggy bank as a result of the stunt. Why was it undisclosed? Because even they aren’t certain of the exchange rate. The rules clearly state no player can be “in possession of a foreign or extraneous object that is not part of the uniform or equipment.” This is why the team’s punter got away with that “kicking the penguin” celebration after scoring one point.

Stay tuned as I uncover all other Canadian sports scandals in the coming days by watching this quirky “SportsCentre” show. You don’t think they’re owned by the same … nah.

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