The Futon Report

The Crime: Using the word Favregate.

One of my pet peeves among writers covering ongoing news is taking some kind of scandal or complicated, drawn out story and adding the -gate suffix to it. (See: Gate, Spy). Scandals imply lying, dishonesty, corruption, and/or general fuckupery. This Brett Favre story has none of those qualities, which might be why it’s such an annoying story. Yet, here we are. Favregate. People are saying it.

For the crime of misuse of -gate in a major sporting event story, I hereby ask that the following writers be suspended from their publications for 24 hours: Read more

Today on SbB ◼ One-armed man nearly swims Channel ◼ Reporter eats donkey penis at Olympics ◼ A really long-winded reflection on the Pudge-Farnsworth trade

Just what I needed what now. The MAC football preseason poll:

WEST DIVISION (6-5-4-3-2-1 point system)
1. Central Michigan 207
2. Ball State 168
3. Western Michigan 143
4. Toledo 98
5. Eastern Michigan 80
6. Northern Illinois 60

EAST DIVISION (7-6-5-4-3-2-1)
1. Bowling Green 206
2. Miami 202
3. Buffalo 145
4. Kent State 137
5. Temple 120
6. Ohio 119
7. Akron 78

Great. Now there are expectations for this team again.

Yeah, he’s back. ◼ DFP

(Image from The Dugout)

Yeah, we’re about a month away from college football, and stuff. Might as well get The Avatar locked and loaded:

Four NFL players who would survive shark attacks. (One of MJD’s finest literary works in a while.) ◼ Shutdown Corner

There are some headlines in life which capture our imagination. This is the opposite of one of those headlines. ◼ Medina Gazette

Mud Hens win on walkoff strikeout. Iracane jealous. ◼ Walkoff Walk

Sheesh. First Lou Holtz’s pep talk, now Graham Watson going through the most hated team in each college football bowl conference. Bristol just has it out bad for UT, don’t they?

Oh, it’s not because they suck or anything. It’s because they’ve been so historically good, from Chuck Ealey to the undefeated season in 1995. Look at the other teams tagged most hated:

ACC: Miami
Big11Ten: Ohio State
Big12Twelve: Texas
Pac10Ten: USC
Security Exchanges Commission: Alabama, Ken Lay (tie)

Chris Rock? Sure, funny. Jon Stewart? Definitely funny. Dane Cook?

If by funny you mean “loud and repetitive to the point that you want to pry off your fingernails with plastic sporks until he’s off the stage,” then indeed. LAUGH. RIOT!

Oh my sweet hackeysackin’ Mohammed, if Dane Cook is the best thing we have in stand-up today, then that must mean Mike Birbiglia, Steven Wright, and Jim Gaffigan are all dead. I didn’t even read their obituaries! Shows you how observant I am. ◼ MSNBC (via Fark, which — with this link — brought me down harder than a satchel of lead-based potatoes)