The Futon Report

Friend of the site and, more to the point, Akron Beacon-Journal columnist Brian Windhorst hasn’t been doing his usual cerebral coverage of the Cavaliers and this week’s NBA Draft because he’s been sick in the hospital. Once he gets out, he’ll no doubt return to his stellar work, and until then, please keep him in your thoughts.

On the pet peeve spectrum, 1 being sandals with socks and 10 being text messaging, energy drinks land somewhere between emails with colored text and usage of the word “team” in a corporate setting. Did we need another way to consume caffeine cold? They made 38 flavors of Diet Pepsi, half of which were submitted by me. That’s plenty.

Having said that, the following Fark photoshop contest (rejected energy drinks) yielded some pretty good ones, but this old timey submission by “SvartVinbars” was my favorite (click through for the readable version): Read more

"I think when you die, your soul goes to a garage in Buffalo.” — George Carlin, 1978

While this bit might be more appropriate for the situation, this is in fact a sportively-themed blogsite, so let’s embed this one:

George Carlin is one of my two favorite comedians of all time. Granted, I only got acquainted with him in 2001 with “Complaints And Grievances” as well as seeing him live in 2003, I quickly became familiar with his earlier work, such as A Place For My Stuff perhaps the world’s only perfect comedy album.

His “Seven Words You Can Never Say On Television” schtick (notice how he never called it “Seven Dirty Words” — that was a media-created title) might have been his Stairway To Heaven, but that bit was merely one of the many ways he criticized our use of the English language (”Try to pay attention to the language we’ve all agreed on.”) It was as if the man just sat down and pored through dictionaries and idioms coming up with ideas.

George Carlin was definitely one of my biggest inspirations. (So if you hate my shit, you know who to blame.) Good sir, I don’t mourn your death — because he certainly doesn’t seem like the kind of guy that’d want us to be sad about a human death — but rather salute your entire oeuvre.

I don’t know why I did this:

◼ The Big Tilde

We should just rename it the Bill Wennington Show. ◼ THF

Hey guys, I just got the greatest idea for a Russian Roulette game for kids:

1. Buy one (1) bag of
Kellogg’s™ Lego® Fruit Flavored Snacks
2. Buy one (1) Lego®
3. Mix them together
4. Each kid takes a turn picking one at random and swallowing it

(Ages 6 and up, some assembly required) ◼ → Dave Barry

This, here, is quite scary. The Toledo Free Press, a newspaper with words and pages and ink, recently pushed out some radio ads to the local market promoting each of their sections. Unlike their print edition, the commercials themselves were poorly edited, for they did not catch the slip-up where they mentioned my name in their commercial about their sports section. And because of this, they left it in.

You are subliminally obliged to buy Matt Sussman today. You can’t beat these prices!

Celtics’ Glen Davis is as happy as a little girl. ◼ Ball Don’t Lie

Dan Shaughnessy found a way around saying that white people are bad at basketball. ◼ Big Lead

Marcus Thames is good and needs a nickname. ◼ TB~