The Futon Report

Everyone’s losing on the road in the NBA playoffs. â—¼ BC

Improv Ozzie Guillen Mad Libs don’t always work. Fortunately it was a Friday. â—¼ THF

A Todd Jones Burma-Shave poem. â—¼ TB~

Why Ben Wallace fainted. â—¼ TRL

Let’s play a game of Scruples. You’re offered $24 million to be poked by hot needles for four years. That’s it. You just sit there, and hot needles prod you, day after day, until 2012. It sounds painful, but it also sounds like a lot of money. Would you do it?

I didn’t think so either. But former Suns coach Mike D’Antoni said “eh, sure” and will coach the Knicks, earning $24 million over four years for doing it. Youch. Godspeed. â—¼ Newsday

Brandon Inge likes catching now. â—¼ TB~

You might’ve heard the story last week about Papa John’s apologizing to LeBron James and the Cavaliers fans for sponsoring “CRYBABY 23″ t-shirts during their series against the Wizards. As part of their self-flagellation, they agreed to give Northeast Ohio discount pizzas at 23 cents each. As strange as it sounds, looks like they’re gonna run out of pizza.

Earlier this afternoon, the chain warned that stores could run out of ingredients by dinnertime.

Officials later huddled and determined that “we are hours away from running out of product” and stores expect to stay open through dinnertime.

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May 8 at SbB â—¼ Derek Jeter gets around â—¼ Miami Dolphins are Mormon-y â—¼ Scary cycling accident in Australia â—¼ Barkley’s a dumbass

Former BGSU player Andy Tracy helps beat Mud Hens. â—¼ Blade

White Sox won’t get reprimanded for blow-up dolls in clubhouse. If only some of us were that lucky. â—¼ Sun-Times