The Futon Report

That’s it. No professional athlete will ever retire again. Ever. You thought they were done? Don’t believe them.

Cycling mag VeloNews is saying that Lance Armstrong will compete in the 2009 Tour de France after sitting out for three years. Because he has so much to prove.

VeloNews writer Neal Rogers, who never met an anonymous source he didn’t like, says that Vanity Fair will have the “exclusive article” on Armstrong’s retirement coming-out party. Well, so much for the exclusivity.

Or maybe VeloNews is the only one. Astana, the team for which he will allegedly pedal, released a statement saying they have “He is no part of our team.” Well, not now. But what about next year? “Team Astana has no plans with him.” Ah.

It’s not out of the question for Armstrong to race again, given that after his retirement, Armstrong knew nothing other than training on his bike and staying in shape. Sure, he piled on other business ventures and public appearances, but one thing he didn’t do more of post-cycling career? Hot, hot sex. He just didn’t have the energy, ever. Glad he cleared that up.

If he does come back, he’ll have a seven-race win streak in the TdF to protect. To put that in perspective, no other cycler has won six, let alone six in a row. So it’s not like the man has anything to prove. Unless he’s just lonely at 36, and after not getting enough action in the sack, he just wants to let out a little testosterone on bitter Le Monde reporters one more time. Can’t blame him for that.

But I can blame him for retiring then unretiring. You know what sports fans do when one retires? They remember him. They publish retrospective articles. Ones they worked really, really hard on. They make peace with him being gone. They … well, I suppose there are worse crimes to commit in the sports world.

But it sure would be handy to know when an athlete is actually done with their sport. Perhaps they could signify the true end by donating their severed legs to underprivileged children. Better yet, to Paralympic gold medalists.

Tags: lance armstrong, tour de france