The Futon Report

Mr. “Maff,” whoever you are, you are clearly an old school sportswriter. You cut your teeth between the gutters. You wrote to fit. And you established yourself. Hats off! But you’re writing, what appears to be, a blog entry. You’re not bound by a handful of picas. You can kick back and streeetch that bad boy out.

If you play the metro columnist reading game that’s sweeping the nation, “Count The Onesies,” you’ll see that this “Maff” fellow weighs in with eight consecutive one-sentence paragraphs to start his blog post. That’s the kind of carriage returnmanship that gets you on the Woody Paige and Ron Musselman plateau.

He finally broke the streak with a two-fer in the next graf, which was definitely short enough to combine into one.

But there was another extremely impressive stat: the percentage of onesies in the entire entry. Let’s brace ourselves and go graph by graph, counting as we go:

1
1
1
1
1
1
1
1
2
1
2
1
1
1
1
1
1

Hot toddy. TI-83s, people!:

Paragraphs: 17
Sentences: 19
Onesies: 15
Percentage of Onesies: 88%
Sentences/Paragraph: 1.117
Lengthiest Onesie: 43 words
Consecutive Onesies: 8

It goes without saying that I am in awe, Maff. Clearly you’ve taken the griffy, cigarette-smoke-filled mentality of the old gray lady and rocked the antiestablishment’s establishment with line feeds aplenty. Teach me your craft. Help me learn. Er, that is to say:

Help me learn.

Show me the way.

Hey, I think I’m getting the hang of this!

(via Vitamin Z, who had something to say about the actual content of the article.)