The Futon Report

And it was growing right there in the ground. Eat more tofu!

Scientists who just happened to have large amounts of soy-based and sperm-based substances have determined that the more you eat of the former, the less you produce of the latter. (Please, please, please, do NOT get that backwards.) So basically lovers of tofu have less of a chance to procreate than your garden variety animal killer.

The numbers are such: If a man has eaten two servings of soy a week, they produce 41 million less babymakers (per milliliter) than your typical meat eater. And yes, way more than 41 million sperm can be contained in a single milliliter.

This means that players like Prince Fielder and Tony Gonzalez have thought way ahead on this scheme. Yes, they wanted to be healthier and feel better. But now they can be rest assured that, if they choose to become promiscuous, they might not have to pay child support of Kempian and Henryiffic proportions.

Next week, on “Science” Watch: does eating the crust of your sandwich prevent herpes?

Tags: athletes procreating, shawn kemp, travis henry