The Futon Report

Making signs at sporting events is a tricky craft. There are so many rules of decency and tackiness that it becomes rather futile to make a poster and bring it to the game, if for no other reason, because the guys behind you will get ridiculously pissed off. But more to the point, signs which pimp the station covering the game are basically accepted as “selling out.” The nexus of this are the individuals who construct those fabulous “SPORTSCENTER IS NEXT” posters.

Are people that desperate to be on national television for five seconds that they’ll stoop to dedicate time and material to the scheduled programming following the game? Maybe it’d make more sense to advertise your own cause: “PARTY AT BRETT’S, 142 MAPLE STREET.”

Having said that, can we have a moratorium on any and all “Priceless” stadium posters?

Take the above picture for example. Okay, I’ve actually written so much that you’d have to scroll to see what I’m talking about. Here it is again:

All right. Now there are a couple things in play here:

• Money does help buy Stanley Cups, actually. Salary cap my coccyx, the playing field isn’t entirely level. For one, you have to think coach Mike Babcock is ranked among the highest paid coaches in the NHL.

• Who the heck pays $500 for dinner? Was Kid Rock the wine steward?

• You’re a walking advertisement for MasterCard and getting no carrier fee in return. In fact, the median statistics say you have nine credit cards, meaning a couple of those maxed out might be MasterCards. We’re in debt, but we love your ads!

But most of all, the “Priceless” meme is so worn out, even hobos don’t believe it’s cost effective to salvage the tattered remains.

Camera phone: $70
Beer tab: $50
Taking a picture of your friend pissing his pants in public and sending it to his girlfriend the next morning: PRICELESS.

Oh em gee, I totally didn’t see the “Priceless” coming. Levity! (Even more than Brett pissing his pants!)

By the way: curse you, Maxime Talbot, for effective extending this Game 5 of the Stanley Cup finals with your goal in the final minute of regulation. An entire state just lost about an hour of sleep tonight. (Although the Democratic National Convention ruled that the population will only lose a half hour.)

Sheesh. Jabs at consumerist behavior and politics — rolled into a hockey mention. This is what it’s come to. MAC football starts soon, right? According to my almanac, it’s the first waxing gibbous moon after the end of the NBA Finals.

(Photo Credit: Jim McIsaac/Getty Images)